I just want to eat my pickle.

"Strike up the band to play a song as we go walzing by And fake a smile as we all say goodbye, Goodbye."

This past semester I've realized how much I hate it here. At Spring Arbor I mean. Nothing reflected on the school -- well, maybe a little -- but I don't like it here at all. My room feels like a prison, I never have time to hang out with anyone -- I'm working myself to death. I never even have time to eat a proper meal. I can never sleep no matter how hard I try. I feel fake all the time. I'm not saying I fake being overly happy (because I certainly do not), but I pretend that I'm not slowly dying inside and out at least (maybe I'm being a little melodramatic -- but maybe not).

I'm on my feet all the time which causes my bad foot, knees and hip to hurt more than usual (which is a whole heck of a lot). I keep getting really bad head aches too. I try to pretend I'm not in pain all the time, but it's so hard to be happy and try and meet new people and make new friends when I'm in pain and exhausted and stressed 24/7 -- and not eating enough certainly does not help.

I also don't feel like I'm loved here. Maybe its just my lame insecurities but I truely feel like if I left right now and never came back no one would really care. Which is weird since this is a Christian school. When I go to Eastern people are excited to see me -- they're nice and introduce themselves to me -- they even listen to me when I talk (amazing right? /: <-- that's my sarcastic face). I just don't understand that when I'm with all these people who are supposed to show the love of Christ to everyone I don't feel loved -- and then I go hang out at a secular school and feel loved and cared for. I just do not understand.

Maybe its God just causing me to want to go somewhere else because it is in his will. I don't know. I just feel like I'm never anyone's priority. My friend Amanda came and visited yesterday and even though she wasn't here for the specific reason of visiting me she still called me to see what I was up to. She even came to the art building and helped me with my work. Who here would do that "just because". I don't belong here and I never will. It just sucks that I have to stay here another semester.

I really want to leave for break and never come back -- but it'd just be a bad idea school wise. I'm pretty sure nobody reads this blog so I guess I'm just venting to myself. If you do read this, I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm just getting thoughts out.

On a happier note, my parents will be here in 8 days! and hopefully I will be moved into my new apartment by Monday! I'm so excited to be able to hang out with my family and see my daddy! (I love my mom too, but I saw her in september and haven't gotten to see my dad since June). Anyway. Enough with procrastinating -- I need to study.